Leaving on a jet plane...

ive just endured a big boy journey. a 38 hour UK to NZ long haul with a couple of stop overs. the joys of buying cheap seats and flying on xmas day aye?! i never really had another option. but its cool. i like it. i often boast that if i had a good book and my laptop and an endless supply of airline food and beverage, i could fly to nz and back again. people look at me strangely. but thats alright. im alright with being a little strange.

throughout the trip i pondered a few things that annoy me on long haul flights.

the first being airport announcements.

they are often an incoherent dribble in an undetermined language, rattled out over tinny speakers that ruffle my fuzzy airplane head.

ive had the unfortunate pleasure of falling asleep in some muggy equatorial airport and drifting in and out of consciousness like i was fluttering through a dream where my name was being broadcasted across a sea of people in a crowded space.

it wasnt a dream. i missed my flight due to the incoherent smack the attendant was dribbling. the speakers were shit. my name was severely distorted and i was left stranded with $2.50 in my pocket and no ticket out of a hole that i desperately needed to crawl out of. airport announcements, i know your trying to be helpful, but fuck, slow down, speak clearly and upgrade your bloody speakers so that they are audible.

the second thing that grates me are muffled farts escaping down the aisle.

the pockets of mouldy mustard flavoured waft casually linger around the aisles, bouncing off the compressed air compartments with no where to disperse.

come on. i know, in fact we all know, how good it feels to let one slip, in fact, the smell of ones own farty aroma is a pleasurable indulgence,a guilty pleasure, but christ, to gas out a windowless box with innocent fare paying strangers less than 5 cm either side of you.

come onnnn!!! cop on. dont drop it likes it hot. airplane food is rank at the best of time. after its passed through your bowels its even more vial.

say no to flatulence at 30000 feet. its far from flattering and it flounders...

that brings me to airline toilets.

no matter where you go, its usually a bombshell. the tiny cubicles inside the cabins, theres no room to swing a cat and certainly no room to drop a bomb.

theres no escape from an asian airline meal thats just been flushed down the loo at 30,000 feet. they should have neutral odor spray or something.

have you ever had to sit opposite the door of a toilet on a long haul flight? torture. you need a WW11 gas mask with industrial earplugs to stay sane.

and finally, babies on board.

yup. up there with the worst. upon boarding a plane and making my way to my allocated seat, my eyes are cast upon the seats around me, wheres the kids? the inevitable screaming little munchkins that are going to pierce my eardrums for the entirety of the journey. wails and high pitched screeches.

im acutely aware for little babies its a result of eardrums being tested so i concur its tough. but its not just the crying or the babies, its the kids kicking the seat behind me. its the constant bullshit chatter and niggly little arguments they get into with their siblings. its the waking up at 3am to watch the cartoons and talk about them until breakfast is served.

but i made it without loosing my cool. its all part of the parcel. long haul flights on a budget airline. you get what you pay for. fun and games....minus the console on air asia....

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